Shoveling the Dark Weight

“If everything around seems dark,
look again; you may be the light.”
— Rumi

During the week of the Presidential election, the Colorado foothills received three significant snow storms. I was actually very grateful to have a reason to stay home. I appreciated the “legit” opportunity it gave me to implement self-care and soothe the angst within me.

The snow came in heavy and fast Monday before the election and returned twice again in the week. My husband and I took turns going out to shovel to stay on top of it. We love to experience the quiet serenity and the satisfaction of clearing away the layers periodically as they fall.

It felt fresh and crisp outdoors. I was full of anticipation, not for a daunting task to be completed, but to dance in rhythm to Mother Nature’s lead. 

My mind began to wonder, reviewing the past several weeks, recognizing the precarious balance of our country. 

The rhetoric of anger and revenge spewed by the narcissist and his following, had whittled me down for months. The blatant lies and focused attack on anyone not in their fold, made me feel nauseous and powerless.

In disbelief, I recognized the highest position of leadership in our country had been awarded - based solely on an evangelistic performance of coercion, intimidation, and deceit.

I felt bulldozed by the offensive toxic energy and sometimes the heaviness of it all seeped into my pores. Its’ mission was to knock me over, squeeze the light from my heart, and to suffocate me. 

But this time, I wasn’t knocked over. 

And this time, I didn’t suffocate. 

Before I got clean and sober, everything I perceived as negative in Life was someone or something else’s fault. That someone could be a friend, a co-worker, a family member, a political figure or even a complete stranger. And the somethings ranged from an organization or institution to an uncomfortable situation or circumstance I found myself in.

All I knew was,  there had to be a reason for my fear and discomfort. And  somewhere outside of me the party to blame existed. 

Life was just not fair!

Often the suffering I experienced was a natural consequence to my own resistance. Maybe it was a judgmental thought I had or something I said or didn’t say that I regretted.

Perhaps I was being punished for acting out when I was threatened. Or for pretending I was good enough, smart enough, successful enough.

But not today.

Back and forth I pushed the snow across the deck. With each load I acknowledged a sense of harmony in my movements and result. I’d give myself little mini goals and direction as I studied which area to tackle next.

Occasionally I’d stop and lean against the handle of my shovel to just breathe in the fresh air. To rest. To Be present with my surroundings. 

When my thoughts settled, I found a new and enhanced connection with Spirit had emerged.

During one such respite, I clearly heard a reminder from Buddha, 

“It is the resistance to what is, that creates the suffering.”

Resistance is the refusal to accept or comply with something. The pushing away of something you are opposed to or have an aversion to.

Yep! My resistance had been building in me throughout most of the presidential campaign. I fought back the idea that our country was losing its’ fundamentals of democracy. That the principles and practice of social equality and a government, by the people for the people, were ideals of the past. 

It seemed we were being bombarded by an ugly egotistical mission fueled by greed, seeking revenge, and driven for personal power.

Obviously, this resistive energy of mine was keeping me stuck in judgement and fear. 

“You will always become the thing you fight the most.”
-Carl Jung

Ever notice when you push on something or someone - they generally push back? That the more you focus on something, the larger it becomes in your mind and in the reality you manifest? 

Finally the words of Eckhart Tolle solidified the message: 

“Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists”. 

As I neared the end of my shoveling, I noticed my energy and movements had become stiff and hostile. No longer was I enjoying this activity. My rhythmic dance had morphed into more of an aggressive attack.  

Again I stopped to take a much needed breath. Breathing allowed me to check in with my attitude and to reconnect with the serenity of nature. Breathing gave me pause to be present - to remember the solution.

Acceptance.

One of the most powerful tools I learned in early sobriety was acceptance. Acceptance for what is, without judgement or opinion. When I choose to let go of needing for something or someone to be different - my pushing energy dissipates. 

When I let go of needing to resist, I create an open space within me. It is from this place I experience peace. It is in the accepting I am free to change. 

Realizing I have the power to change - sheds light upon my world, converts my perspective to hope, and heals my heart with love. 

“What you resist, persists. What you accept; transforms.”
Dr Sophia Godkin

Ponder This:

How has acceptance freed you from being a prisoner
 on your own path?